17-year-old warns he will move out after mom and stepdad demand they act more like a family: 'My stepfather would act like I was doing something wrong by existing'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Aug 14, 2025 9:00 AM EDT

Entering a child's life as a stepparent is a difficult task, and what is even harder is being a good one. There is a lot to be considered when taking on this responsibility, from what children have experienced before you appeared on the scene to what you and your partner hope for family life to look like in the future. 

As many of those who gained a stepparent during their childhood are all too aware, this isn't something that many adults in the situation truly take into account, and the results can be catastrophic. 

Although it is more common to expect that bringing more kids into such a dynamic will complicate things, it is also possible for this to happen without this as well. No matter what, many children are always going to see the person their bio parent married as not their real mom or dad, and they usually have a point. It takes delicacy and tact to navigate, which many stepparents and their partners can have an alarming lack of.

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    hat wearing teenage boy with foliage in the background looks down at camera
    via 35mm

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • This was a struggle that one teenage boy had felt for most of his life after his mom remarried when he was 9 years old, a few years after his dad's passing. 

    His new stepdad did not take so much of an interest in him until he and his wife tried and failed to have a child of their own. After that, he became more involved in raising him, but the boy still maintained that he did not want to see him as a second dad.

    After a further failed attempt to have another child, things got difficult between him, his mom, and his stepdad. With their relationship deteriorating, he claimed that he would rather move out than feel pressured to define the family relationship in a way he didn't want. He wanted to know if he was in the wrong.

     

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    AITA for threatening to move out ASAP if my mom and stepfather can't stop putting it on me to make up for them not having a kid together?

    I'll (17M) follow through if I have to. This isn't a threat I'm making that I can't or won't follow through on. I just wanted to put that out there now. Here's the deal. I lost my dad when I was 6 and mom remarried when I was 9. My stepfather and mom wanted to have kids together and couldn't. He took it hard(er) than mom because she had me but he didn't really. Like yeah he was helping mom raise me but I didn't see him as my second dad and he didn't care until he realized he couldn't have kids.
    via Riyllezzo
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    After the no kid thing he was more interested. He volunteered to coach my soccer team, got involved with my school and volunteered to go on class trips, and he would come up with stuff for us to do together. This was all happening like 3 years after they got married so it's not like it was immediate.
    via Riyllezzo
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    We also did family therapy as a group of the three of us and there was talk about how we could be a better family and what would make us happy. My stepfather said it would make him happy to know I loved him and saw him as my second dad. Mom said it would make her happy to know I felt like I had two parents and not just one and that I felt good having two dads. But I said I only had one dad and I was okay with my stepfather but didn't want him to be my second dad.
    via Riyllezzo
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    A few times mom would ask for sessions of just me and her and she'd say nobody wanted me to forget or replace dad and she hadn't either. She said it was just about making sure I wasn't losing out on another great dad because I felt I could only be loyal to one. She also said how much more complete our family would be if those were the relationships we had with each other. The therapist asked what could be done for us to get to where mom and my stepfather wanted and I said nothing. She asked why
    via Riyllezzo
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    man coaches a child's soccer team on a grassy field
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    They tried again to see if they could have that kid together and that failed. They let up on me for the 18 months they were focused on that. Mom talked to me about everything still and I told her I was still feeling the same.
    via Riyllezzo
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    Only after the last attempts failed things changed. My stepfather was always unhappy, kinda depr sed and he'd act like I was doing something wrong by existing. Then he'd ask me if it made me happy to know I sh all over him and I was like what the h_l. But he said he felt like it made me happy to know dad could give mom a kid but not him. And that I liked rubbing it in his face that I was only mom's and he'd never get to have the experience. A bunch of times he just got mad at dinner and stormed
    via Riyllezzo
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    I've rolled my eyes over all this a buuuunch and I've locked myself in my room a lot to get away from this cr p too. And then they sat me down a couple of weeks ago and told me they want us to try family therapy again and they want us all to commit to becoming a family. They said that includes me. They want me to give it a real chance and to do what the therapist suggests. I was told it would help them feel like they didn't miss out on having a kid together and being parents together
    via Riyllezzo
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    because it's hard for him to feel like a parent when I don't think of him as one of mine. I didn't like it being put on me so strongly and that's why I made the threat. My mom got really upset and she asked me if I'd really move out instead of trying to make things work and I said yeah because it's not on me to make up for them not having a kid together and they never should have tried but they keep trying and it's been years. My stepfather just got ped and stormed off again. And it's been weird
    via Riyllezzo
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    gloved hands inject a petri dish under a microscope
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)
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    Other people offered condolences and advice.

    Felina808 You are NOT TA! That is on them! Your "stepdad" sounds incredibly insecure and is projecting on to you, his frustration at either he or your mom having fertility issues. You can't force someone to feel a certain way, but it sounds like he didn't get the news on that. Why should you compromise your feelings about fathers just to make stepdad happy. I commend you for not caving and being willing to leave what sounds like a very toxic environment.
    via Felina808
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    Riyllezzo OP Thanks! I don't like caving into stuff like this. And it goes against what I was told as a little kid that you can't force people to like you or be your friend. Same goes for you can't force people to love you or be your kid.
    via Riyllezzo
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    Tall_Hospital1071 This. OP is NTA It's not his fault his forceful mom and immature stepfather couldn't have their do-over kid and took it out on OP. They were straight up focused on building a new family after they married and they didn't cared about OP because they had in mind the news kids they thought they would have, holl the stepfather couldn't care less about OP at the time.
    via Tall_Hospital1071
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    They don't get to cry now that OP is reciprocating their energy and is not interested in their do over family and being their replacement child.
    via Tall_Hospital1071
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    NTA, OP. And it may come down to the fact that you HAVE to move out. They are putting a lot of their emotions ON you and that isn't fair. If I may offer some advice OP: 1. Make sure you have all your documentation: Sin card, birth certificate, passport if there is one, anything like that. And do not let them say you can't have them. Those documents are YOURS, not anyone else's. They cannot legally keep them from you.
    via Tall_Hospital1071
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    2. Lock down your credit and make sure your bank account is at a bank neither your mom or her husband use. If you have online banking they may know about, change any passwords they might know to something they couldn't even guess at.
    via Tall_Hospital1071
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    3. Get anything precious or sentimental out of the house ASAP if you can. Pictures, albums, clothes, toys, valuables, whatever. Stow with it friends you can trust or if you can afford it and think it's worth it, rent some storage. DO NOT tell your parent and her spouse anything about that and make sure not leave any receipts or whatever around. Your mom's husband is р ed enough, he might take some of that anger out on things you value.
    via Tall_Hospital1071
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    4. When it's time to go, pick a day that they aren't home, and if possible enlist trusted friends/family to help you get out of there as quickly as possible. DO NOT allow them to know where you have moved to OR when you move. If living with relatives, make sure it's alright that they not tell your mom or her husband. Your mom may send the police to get you back, but depending on how far you are from 18 she may have to just let it go. If the police ask, tell them point blank circumstances were su
    via Tall_Hospital1071
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    5. In regards to your job, if your mom or her husband are on friendly terms with your boss just tell the boss that due to circumstances, you would prefer that said boss NOT tell them anything about you. Places of employment are(at least where I live) legally obligated to keep your information confidential, especially after being notified to do so. EVEN from direct relatives.
    via Tall_Hospital1071
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    That's all I can think of. If you can wait til you're officially 18, OP, it would be easier all around because in the eyes of the law, you are an adult at 18. Having said that, I do understand that may not be feasible for YOU. Good luck, OP. IF you feel it's appropriate, let us know how you make out.
    via Tall_Hospital_1071
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    Usual-Canary-7764 NTA kid. He did not care until his swimmers were not working. Now he cares but just to feel better with himself. I am not seeing anything about this thsts for you. They having major pick-me issues...but that is not on you.
    via Usual-Canary-7764
  • 23
    grayblue_grrl "Then he'd ask me if it made me happy to know I sh all over him" "Well, now that you mention it, I've never give it a thought until now. Yes. Yes it does." NTA. Self pitying manipulative people are the worst.
    via grayblue_grrl
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    Maybaby31 NTA but I'd be prepared to move or prepared for your mom to blame you for her divorce. Not that it makes a difference but did they never consider adopting?
    via Maybaby31
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    GodivaPlaistow It's not enough that they decided you're their back- up plan, now you're supposed to be enthusiastic about it too? Lucky you. NTA. I hope you can get out of there safely soon.
    via GodivaPlaistow
  • 26
    1RainbowUnicorn NTA. Your mother is an AH for putting this pressure on a child!!! Your stepfather is an even bigger AH for projecting all his feelings of inadequacy because he can't have children on to you. He is REALLY delusional to say you are s ing all over him. Your mother needs to shut that sh_down. They both need serious therapy to deal with the grief of not having kids together and stepfather not having kids at all!!! That is NOT your fault. They can't FORCE you to feel something you don'
    via 1RainbowUnicorn

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teenagers parenting dad stepdad mom family drama aita argument family reddit thread Reddit moving out
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